There are many unproductive ways we have of making ourselves miserable, but few are more painful than getting angry at someone then just going back as if things are ok. I’m talking about some situation like this: our husband showed up late for picking up the kids, and we feel so angry we feel like hitting him. But in a few hours as he gets into helping the kids with their homework, we think, “What a great guy. I shouldn’t get angry like that.” But you don’t feel any different about what happened, and since you don’t talk it over, nothing really gets resolved. If this is you, I would say you owe it to yourself to change your part in the pattern; because if you don’t, it’s going to happen again and be just as painful. Here are five things that will help you turn in a new direction.
(1) If behaviors are hurtful, don’t wait to speak out: If you are like me, you’re the kind of person who will tolerate some unkind behaviors and just pocket your hurt feelings. You might just let pass that snide remark that undercuts you; it’s easier to adapt and accept, hoping good times will return. But this is what twelve step programs call magical thinking, and it virtually guarantees the person will feel entitled to repeat the unwelcome behaviors. So now is the time to speak out. Say how hurt you are. No one likes to be criticized, so you will probably have to weather a very unpleasant exchange. But as Lao Tsu says, this is dealing with the big while it is yet small; a little unpleasantness now means it will not build up into that uncontrollable and explosive outburst that does such damage.
(2) Even it it’s hard, listen carefully to the other point of view: Say we are home at our wits end dealing with the kids, but he has had to go out for an emergency meeting with a client-and as it happens, at the club playing doubles in tennis. We feel cheated and duped, but the worst part of it is, we seem to magnetically attract such situations, and they happen again and again. In the end, our resentment builds up so huge that it saps our energy for love, most of all for ourselves. Rather than getting trapped in this cycle, tell your partner you want to make an appointment with him for listening. Ask for ten minutes to air your feelings, with a rule that he only listen and not react for that time. Then give him the same ten minutes to air his feelings. After such listening, you may see his actions in a completely new light and find that, though your feelings don’t change, you have used your energy to make them heard rather than scalding yourself with caustic resentment. It will not be easy, but it is worth a try.
(3) Express how you really feel, even if it’s risky: If you have not succeeded in speaking out early on, or were not properly heard when you did, don’t give up yet. Try to remember that, while lashing out in indignation may feel good, it will help much more to express how hurt you feel, rather than how wrong the other person is. Your feelings are always yours, true to the core, whereas harsh judgments of the other person will simply inflame the situation further. Staying with your feelings isn’t easy, but it is the only way both of you will learn from trials.
(4) Think about therapy, even if it’s expensive: After an angry outburst where no favorable resolution has been reached, the tendency for people who value peace is to try to regain harmony, whatever the cost. In a few hours, you may see them mowing the lawn or making dinner and say to yourself, “Thank God I have someone, even if they’re not perfect.” But only a part of you has returned; trust has been wounded, and with every successive repetition of this cycle-and there will be many-less of you is invested in the relationship. That is why I would urge therapy, both couples and individual, to get at the underlying issues and try to change this destructive pattern at the deepest level. If you find out there is no cure, at least you will know you did all you could.
5) Do something special for yourself: In the end, others will respect and value you more if we love yourself. Don’t let hurt feelings fester. And in trying to bring all parts of you on board to live life with depth of feeling, make time for yourself. The real you isn’t exactly the you in a particular relationship. Sure, you have experienced a richness there that you could not have had on your own, but perhaps, too, important parts of yourself have gotten buried in an avalanche. So I would suggest, start doing simple favors for yourself. Take time to watch the brilliant red sunset, or to see that movie you have been aching to go to. Make caring for yourself-not just doing what you have to-an important part of daily routine will enable the shy, inner layers wounded by past hurt and pain to come out. This makes us whole and alive. We all owe it to ourselves to find a path through all obstacles life has thrown before us and begin the work of self care and self healing. Whether the hard work we put into a relationship gives both people access to new springs of love or whether the partnership is at a natural end, there is no substitute for loving that pure soul who dwells at our very core, and who deserves that love every minute.
About the Author:
Dr. Stephen Ruppenthal is the author of The Path of Direct Awakening: Passages for Meditation. He is also the co-author of Eknath Easwaran’s edition of The Dhammapada and the author of Keats and Zen. He has taught meditation and courses on Han Shan at UC Berkeley and San Francisco State University. Dr. Ruppenthal has published numerous articles on such sites as Beliefnet.com and Healthy Wealthy ‘n Wise. Visit Stephen’s work at www.directawakenings.com.
