You have reached a point in your life where you are considering getting back into the dating game again. You maybe recovering from the breakup with a lover a few months ago and you are not sure if your heart is too raw to risk being hurt again. You wonder if you have too many personal unresolved issues to entertain the idea of a serious relationship.



You feel that you should have anticipated the breakup coming, but you were oblivious until he started packing up his belongings. Your heart feels like it has been trampled on and you are not sure if you have the strength to include a significant other in your life.



You want to be successful at creating a loving, lasting relationship with someone, but this last break up is leaving you confused about your prospects for the future. You are wondering what your role in the breakup was. Were you too controlling or overbearing? Were you too needy? Did my issues from childhood get in the way of allowing this relationship to work?



Physical exercise while listening to music, focusing on an emotional pain question and then journaling can help you resolve these issues. Exercise by itself is a natural stress reducer and adding this process to the mix can lead to serenity and calmness.



The first step in this process is choosing a series of emotional pain questions that you will focus on while you are working out. Any aerobic exercise that will allow you to concentrate will be effective. Cycling down a busy highway will not allow you to focus, so consider cycling on a bike path or running where there are no cars to worry about.



Examples of Emotional Pain Questions:



  • Am I too controlling?

  • Does everything have to be my way?

  • Do people I respect tell me that I am controlling?

  • Do I get angry if my partner has a different opinion about an issue?

  • Has my need for control caused the termination of friendships?

Focus on these questions while you are working out and choose music to listen to that will provoke an emotional response. For example soul music may bring up the hurt you feel from the loss of your relationship. Rock and roll may induce the anger that you feel about the breakup.



While you are walking, running, cycling, focus on the emotional pain questions. You can face your emotional pain with confidence and strength while exercising because the brain chemistry changes while you are working out. You may not be able to look at your emotional pain this directly while sedentary because it may be too frightening.



During this workout, you may have the revelation and the courage to accept that you are controlling. You suddenly feel relieved that you have surrendered to this aspect about your character. You then can ask yourself why do you have this need to micromanage others. You may discover that you have this great need to control others and situations because you often feel out of control. Your childhood was chaotic and no one really was there for you. You worry about the bottom being dropped out of your life like a perpetual trap door. You come to realize that your need to control is triggered by fear; your anxiety that you will fail at everything you attempt to succeed at. You come to understand that you have been desperate for a guarantee that occurrences in life will always turn out exactly as to how you anticipate them. You are beginning to see that life has no such guarantees and you are now liberated from these self-imposed chains.



Now that you have a decreased need to control, it is possible to have a healthy relationship and maybe find a life long partner. It is time to get into this new world.



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About the Author:



Psychotherapist Bob Livingstone has helped millions heal their emotional pain during the past twenty years. He has been instrumental in assisting victims of emotional and/or physical violence recover from trauma and no longer be victims. He is a featured contributor to DrLaura.com, Beliefnet.com, Ediets.com, Selfgrowth.com and SheKnows.com. He is the author of the critically acclaimed book The Body-Mind-Soul Solution: Healing Emotional Pain through Exercise (Pegasus Books, Second Printing 2008). For more emotional healing visit www.boblivingstone.com.