Powerful You

 

It's often everyday things like taking out the garbage that become challenging in a relationship, isn't it? That's because they point out the larger problems. Why do we get so upset about something so seemingly insignificant as the garbage? Because we feel powerless.

 
Many of us don't feel powerful in relationship. We spend time feeling angry and resentful, either toward our men or toward ourselves. We ask ourselves how we could have let it come to this, and we look for someone to blame. If we blame him, we end up fighting with him all the time. If we blame ourselves, we end up harming ourselves with criticism and feeling hopeless-maybe even becoming depressed. Either way, we wind up unhappy, dissatisfied, and wondering what we could do.

 

 
It's not true that we are powerless. In fact, women are the ones with the power to have our relationships be the way we want them to be. If our relationships are not already that way, it's partly because we may be accustomed to handing the power to men-no matter how independent we feel. Sometimes we only see ourselves as victims. We are attached to our men and don't want them to leave, so it seems like they have the power. Indeed, some of us were trained to think men are the powerful ones-even if we grew up during or after the women's movement. We might believe we are equal to men, yet there is still a pull to expect them to lead a relationship. We get in the habit of allowing his moods, needs, and desires to drive the relationship. And we end up resenting it.

 
A lot of us are angry at men and angry in our relationships. Sometimes we even enjoy feeling angry, because anger feels powerful. But being angry is not being powerful. Anger is a defense mechanism, a reaction against a person or situation that makes us feel powerless. When we're angry, we lose our ability to see what's really happening, and we lose touch with our natural insight. That leaves us only able to react, rather than to have a considered response. And when we only have that option, we're powerless.

 
Anger is a disguise for other feelings we are having-disappointment, rejection, hurt, and frustration that our needs aren't being met. Because anger covers up the feelings we really need to be addressing, it leaves us powerless to change anything.

 
If things aren't the way you want them to be right now, it may be partly because you have become distanced from the natural female qualities that empower you to have a good relationship. It is only natural to shut down the softer parts of yourself when you don't feel safe enough, loved enough, appreciated enough, respected enough, or cherished enough. Closing off your heart and getting defensive are ways of protecting yourself. When you are closed off, though, it can backfire because it becomes increasingly difficult to communicate effectively, listen fully, find ways to arrive at a solution, treat yourself and your man with tenderness, and let yourself be vulnerable instead of defensive. In short, when you close off your heart, it gets harder and harder to access the very qualities that have a relationship work well. Problems begin to escalate, and a damaging cycle begins.

 
When you forget not only that you are powerful but how powerful you are, it's easy to get gripped about things and feel trapped. In all likelihood you start to feel like he is the problem. You get focused on what he says and what he does, forgetting that you are also saying and doing things that contribute to the atmosphere of the relationship. In fact, what you say, do, and even think affects your relationship profoundly.

 
He Follows Your Lead

 
You may have been oblivious to your power, but the man in your life has been only too aware of it. In fact, there is a chance that he's intimidated by the power you have with him. He may not show it, and he may go to great lengths to prove how macho he is and how much he doesn't need you. Don't believe it. His macho behavior is a cover for the fact that he knows that he loves you, wants you, and needs you-and he can't stand how vulnerable that makes him feel. He is dying for your approval, your praise, and your acknowledgment.

 
When he feels attacked, he will retreat-as he should. It's a sign that he is taking care of himself. When he's busy defending himself, he won't feel inclined to give you what you want. When you are enjoying yourself, your man will be enjoying himself, too. And he will want to give you whatever you ask for. This doesn't mean you are playing a game. It simply means you're tapping into the natural power you possess to have your relationship and your life be as smooth and delightful as you want it to be

 
Your Powerful Effect

 
Your power is expressed in the effect you have on your man and remembering that gives you your power back. When men are upset, they won't necessarily address it directly. Instead, they tend to leave emotionally or physically, break a promise, or start an argument about something unrelated that takes you by surprise. If you don't realize that his upset has something to do with you, it's easy to start feeling like a victim. You are feeling so hurt that you forget to stop and notice why he's acting that way. When you can pull back from being affected and notice your own effect, you will be able to see that you've likely done something that he's responding to. It might be that you haven't actually done anything, but that he's picking up on your negative thoughts. Men pick up on your thoughts and emotions as well as your words. Believe it or not, they are extraordinarily sensitive to your moods. That's why how you are does matter.

 
When you don't recognize how powerful you are, it's detrimental to your ability to relax and enjoy life. It's hard to relax when you're gripped by the fear that you're not good enough, that he'll leave you, that you won't have enough money, or that you don't know how to manage a relationship. When you're afraid, you are prone to holding on too tightly to what you have. The littlest thing he does or doesn't do takes on an out-of-proportion significance. The bag of garbage under the kitchen sink becomes a looming symbol of everything that's wrong in the relationship. And when you confront him about it with a charge in your tone you might create mischief that may be very difficult to undo.

 
Knowing how powerfully you affect him allows room for more ease, comfort, and humor in your relationship.

 


 
Excerpted from the book, How to Be Cherished: A Guide to Having the Love You Desire
By Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh

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