The two of us have a unique way of looking at relationship. It is based in awareness and a willingness to look and discover what is, rather than what we believe to be. By awareness, we mean a nonjudgmental seeing, an anthropological approach where what is seen is notated but not judged. It is not about finding who is at fault, but rather a noticing of how it is that people relate. When you apply this nonjudgmental seeing or witnessing to the relationships between men and women and women and men, there can be and often is resolution to the Gender War with very little to no effort involved. We call this approach transformational because it is not about trying to change of fix what is discovered.
You could equate it to walking through a large conference hall with the lights turned out. If there were chairs and tables strewn about and you attempted to cross the room directly, you would undoubtedly stumble or fall. However, with light, you could avoid all of the obstacles. Merely by illuminating what is, those pitfalls that stand in the way of having a harmonious relationship can be circumvented. In that spirit we will continue to look at the war that exists between the genders.
Many people are familiar with the term, "war between the sexes" but few have thought to investigate all of the fronts on which the Gender War appears and is played. If you want to have a relationship that flourishes, it is essential to bring awareness to all of the ways you have unknowingly been recruited into the fight.
Family Traditions
Once the two of us were on our boat, slowly
cruising through a marina on the way to the gas dock. From a distance we heard angry voices shouting at one another. The man’s voice said something like, “You never” and the woman’s voice was yelling, “You always” at the same time. As we slowly motored past their boat, which was tied to the dock, we saw that the woman was seated busily filing her nails while shouting sarcastically over her shoulder at her mate and he was standing glowering behind her, beer in hand, yelling down at her back. The name of the boat, (and we are not making this up) was “Family Tradition”.
You have learned a lot of your attitudes toward the opposite sex, including body postures, tone of voice and other ways of relating, from your family. If you want to see how you engage in the Gender War, simply dispassionately look at your own family life. If you can look at anything from your own childhood, without judging what you see, you can begin to unwire the legacy that is passed down from generation to generation.
However, if you are judging the way your parents related and you have vowed to do it differently, then you will produce one of two things. First, as you get older you will become more and more like the parent who you resisted. If it was a person who yelled and you promised yourself you would never yell at your spouse, then in times of stress you will find you may suddenly “snap” and yell at your partner. Or, when faced with a conflict you will do the opposite. You will become quiet and withdraw. Neither position creates the balance people are craving
Casual Conversation and Gossip Can Be Corrosive
The following is an example, as told by Ariel, about how casual conversations in a public environment impacted our relationship:
A few years ago, I went to a nearby series of one hour step classes, a form of aerobic exercise. I went to these classes 3-4 times a week and there was a regular group of women that attended. A kind of camaraderie developed and the ladies idly chatted before, during and after the class. I soon discovered that if I did not pay attention, I not only exercised my body but also the socially ingrained prejudice against men. Here are a few snippets of the usual conversations:
“Wow Stacey, you look really good. You’re really losing weight!” “Ya, you may notice but my husband doesn’t. He never notices anything. You know how men are”
“I’m going on vacation in a couple of weeks to Mexico and I want to get in really good shape so I can look sexy and gorgeous. I can’t wait, it’s going to be great. It’s just me and Julie. No husbands, no kids!”
“My husband Steve and I had a fight this morning. His real name is Hemorrhoid.” (This comment was made by the instructor while teaching the class!)
After class I would come home and if there had been men bashing comments, something would invariably change in my demeanor towards Shya. Eventually, it became a game that Shya and I played where he would say, “How did they get you this morning?” and I would identify and relate all of the seemingly innocent negative comments that had been made about men. It became a follow up exercise to my aerobic exercise. In simply identifying the daily war, I didn’t have to become a part of it. By attending classes I was strengthening my muscles, coordination and building endurance. After class I strengthened the muscle of being able to stay true to my reality and values in relationship to Shya in particular and men in general.
If you want your relationship to flourish, it is important that you begin to become aware of the stereotypes and prejudices which are ingrained and are the background over which your current relationship is played.
Ariel and Shya Kane are internationally acclaimed seminar leaders and business consultants whose revolutionary technology, Instantaneous Transformation, has helped thousands of individuals and companies worldwide. The Kanes’ best-selling book, Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work: A Book About Instantaneous Transformation, is available at local and online bookstores, via the Kanes’ website or by calling toll-free 800-431-1579. Ariel and Shya lead evening and weekend groups in Manhattan, dedicated to supporting people in living in the moment and having extraordinary, fulfilling lives. For more information, including dates and location, call 908-479-6034 or visit their website: www.ask-inc.com
