” As
you may have noticed, relationships are not here to make you happy or fulfilled.
If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will
be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is
here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer
you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness
that wants to be born into this world.”
-Eckhart Tolle
The following questions &
exercises are designed to be a vigorous workout in the mental and emotional gym
to help you get in better shape for relationship as a path of awakening.
Warning: Contents under pressure.
This material may not be suitable for those attached to looking for love in all
the wrong places, namely outside of yourself, and might cause considerable
pressure to outgrow unconscious relationship habits and beliefs modeled after
fairy tales and country and western songs.
This
workout is for you if you are:
•
Looking for a
relationship
•
Enjoying a
relationship
•
Facing challenges
in a relationship
•
Recuperating from a
relationship
What You’ll Need: A pen, paper,
willingness, courage, self-honesty, and a sense of humor!
If A Healthy Relationship Is
Icing On The Cake…
How is your cake doing?
Are you feeling full and rich and
delicious about yourself and your life?
To what extent are you waiting
for the frosting of a mate to complete you?
The Musical Metaphysical Dating
Service Wants You To Ponder…
Is the music on your Life force
channel turned up high enough so your unique song can be heard by others of like
mind and heart?
Could it be that if you play the
melody of your soul song sweet, loud and clear, that your soul mate might just
come along to add the harmony?
Do you keep your music down so
you won't disturb the neighbors?
Ending the Waiting Game
Make a list of ten things you
want to do or have that you’ve been waiting to share with a partner.
Which ones are you willing to do
now, partner or not?
Imagine your ideal mate giving
you love, nurturing and attention. What exactly do you imagine them saying and
doing? Do you envision them being patient, caring, generous, romantic? What
nutrients are you hungry for that seem to be missing in your life that you have
been thinking only a mate can give you? What in that fantasy are you willing to
actually give to yourself right now?
Write down three actions that
demonstrate your love of yourself. Do them.
Fantasy Island
Write down your juiciest fantasy
of what an ideal relationship can do for you. Really indulge your romantic
idealism. Then read aloud what you wrote. Where did these ideas come from?
Movies? Parents? Songs? Childhood daydreams? How old were you when you started
dreaming of romance being such an essential ingredient for happiness? What was
going on in your life? What was missing?
Reality Island
Imagine that you are really
connected to and coming from wholeness, and that feeling juicy and complete is
your core level emotional truth, reflected in all your relations. Imagine what
it would feel like to come to a relationship as a full cup, overflowing onto
another. Imagine being more present, more playful, more vulnerable, more
truthful. Imagine being less in a rush to go anywhere, to get anything, or to
make something happen. Imagine validating yourself so fully that your
relationship is icing on the cake, a delicious addition to a delicious you.
SAILING YOUR RELATION-SHIP
THROUGH ROUGH SEAS
“The
ego always speaks first. Its voice is always the loudest, and it is always
wrong."
-A Course In Miracles
Building A Bridge Over Troubled
Waters
Sharing solely what’s in your
head brings about defensiveness and separation. Dropping down and coming from
your vulnerability with self-responsibility builds a bridge.
Can you communicate feelings and
wants without blame and judgment?
Does anger exist without the
intent to hurt or blame? If so, what might it sound like? Might it have a
healing purpose?
Can you ever win at your
partner’s expense?
Imagine something difficult that
you want to share with someone you care about, something that involves you
feeling angry, hurt, scared. Write down how you would most want to communicate.
Then read what you wrote. How would you feel being on the receiving end of that
communication? Keep fine tuning it until it feels like you are honoring of
yourself, your partner, and the process.
On Healthy Selfishness:
Commitment to Self Must Be Present Before Commitment to Another Is Possible
Are boundaries essential for
intimacy?
Did Jesus have boundaries? (Ask
the money changers!)
Are boundaries different from
walls?
Can you stand up for yourself
when the risk is that you will be judged, or even abandoned?
What keeps you from saying yes
when you mean yes and no when you mean no?
What is the cost in your intimate
relationships when you can’t say no?
Make a list of ten things you
stand for and ten things you won’t stand for in your relationships.
Let’s Get Real About The Ego
(which is not real, anyway!)
What do you hate about your
partner? Pick one thing that drives you crazy. Listen to the story in your head
about how their behavior is responsible for your absence of peace. Tell that
story on paper. Exaggerate it. Have fun. Declare to God that you are committed
to being a victim here. Laugh, and be entertained. What’s the point of having
drama if you are not enjoying it on some level? Do not resist your resistance to
self-responsibility. Just observe it and bless it from the place in you that is
a compassionate witness.
Ask God to take your blame
thoughts and hurt feelings and transform them as you forgive yourself for your
projections. Then let it go. Don’t try to fix yourself. Drop it. You’ve done
your part.
Gently be on the lookout for
spontaneous and effortless moments of patience and humor with your partner when
they are acting in ways that have a history of triggering you. Celebrate each
moment of patience, and forgive the rest.
What If?
What if the thing you would most
like to change about your partner is the very thing that is propelling you to
evolve and awaken?
List three ways that your current
relationship challenge is developing you as a soul.
What if your grievances towards
your beloved were connected to ways you withhold love from yourself?
List three grievances and how
expanding your love of self would dissolve them.
Permission To Experiment
If you are usually quick to
express your blame thoughts and feelings to your partner before sorting them out
inside yourself, then permission granted next time you get into a reactive state
to deactivate – which means taking a time out to do inner work, to love and
forgive and nurture yourself enough so you can come back to your mate and report
about your feelings self-responsibly rather than taking an emotional dump on
them.
If you are always ever so careful
and conscious about sharing your feelings and your stuff with your mate, if you
are ever so good at holding it in, then permission granted to lose it – get
real, get messy, break some eggshells, and trust the two of you to work it out.
Sometimes thunderstorms are needed to freshen and clear the air.
To Be A Pioneer…
Deep, rich, non-codependent
relationships are indeed the final frontier, and requires that we boldly go
where we have not yet gone before. Permission granted to see yourself as a
courageous pioneer, forging and fumbling your way to a new world. Permission
granted to make mistakes, to blame, to forgive, to heal fantasies, to take back
projections, to experiment, explore, and celebrate the joys, challenges, and
evolutionary opportunities of conscious relationships!
List three ways that you are a
pioneer in your relationships and three things you can do to reward yourself for
your courage and vision on your journey…
About the
Author:
Scott Kalechstein is a traveling
minister, a counselor and coach, a modern day troubadour and inspirational
speaker. He makes his home in Marin, California and loves presenting at
conferences, giving talks, concerts and workshops, sometimes with his beloved
partner, Venus Elyse, (www.innerwings.com).
In his phone counseling practice, he is a relationship specialist, helping both
individuals and couples heal, manifest, and awaken into conscious relationship.
Call 415-721-2954 to schedule a session, or email him at
scott@scottsongs.com. You can visit
www.scottsongs.com to read more about his workshops, to hear his talks or to
sample songs from his nine CD's. Send him an email to receive writings like this
one on a semi-occasional basis.
