-A Course In Miracles
In 1996 I had a life-changing experience.
It was a week before my 33rd birthday. I was planning a big party, an evening of friends, celebration and music. An idea crossed my mind during the week that made my heart skip a few beats in excitement. I fantasized about inviting my friends to gather in a circle, with me in the center. Then, one by one, they would come up to me and share how I have enriched their lives and what they appreciate about me. My inner critic, anxious to quickly crash the party, immediately rushed to take offense, armed with a wet blanket: “Are you crazy? That’s the most egotistical notion I’ve ever heard! You always have to be the center of attention, don’t you?”
Ouch. I put the idea on the back burner. A few days before the party, I considered it again, this time in a more meditative space. I brought the matter up with my Higher Self. As often is the case, its guidance was in direct opposition to the inner critic. “Scott, your gracious receiving of your friends’ love and support will be an act of humility and service, not ego. Many hearts will be touched and spirits uplifted. It is only your sense of low self-esteem that is feeling threatened. Trust the process, and move forward with your plans.”
I wrestled with many doubt dragons during the days before the party. I ended up taking the position that I might or I might not go through with it, depending on if I warmed up to it in the moment.
The moment came, and how I felt was pretty frozen! I had successfully convinced myself that gathering all the people in a circle and having them say nice things to me was completely inappropriate, the outlandish actions of an all-out control freak gone wild. Then, across the room, I spotted Helice Bridges. Helice is a remarkable woman who has dedicated her life to teaching the power of acknowledgment. She created a blue ribbon that says ‘Who I Am Makes A Difference,’ and she gets people from all walks of life to use the ribbons to reach out and make someone’s day with heartfelt words of appreciation. I knew immediately that with her in the room I could find the resources inside myself to go ahead with the love circle. I took her aside, told her my idea, mentioned my apprehension, and asked for her support. Helice sprang into action. In a tone and volume that silenced a room full of rowdy conversationalists, she exclaimed, “EVERYBODY GATHER IN THE LIVING ROOM. WE’RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR THE BIRTHDAY BOY!” I felt tremendously excited and embarrassed, and was trembling like a small child about to ride a huge rollercoaster. Helice took my hand and told a few stories about the healing powers of sharing acknowledgment. She then explained that whoever felt moved to do so would, one at a time, approach me and share their appreciation in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear. Never one for shyness, Helice was first at bat.
Two and a half hours later, the last person finished speaking. I spent that time shaking, shivering, crying, and breathing deeply. I had never been so moved in my life. My insides felt like jelly, and the finest kind of quivering was happening. At Helice’s suggestion, I did not respond to people with words, not even a thank you. I was focused solely on receiving. Everyone was being touched by the energy in the room, and tissues were being passed around liberally. I sensed angelic presences watching over us. Sometimes I wanted to say things like “You are wonderful, too!” or “It’s not me. It’s God through me you are appreciating!” Although these statements had truth in them, I recognized them as subtle temptations to deflect the love I was being offered. Unworthiness has a very crafty way of masquerading as humility and spirituality.
When the last person was done, we broke into song and celebration. That night I went to sleep feeling rocked and lulled by each friend’s verbal blessing. The next day and all through that week, people telephoned and emailed to share how the circle had touched them.
In this culture, directly asking for love is somewhat taboo. John Gray, the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, demonstrates the power of asking for appreciation at his seminars. He finishes a segment of his presentation by saying, “If you have appreciated this part of my talk, please let me know with your clapping.” People clap, but first-timers to his events often look a little confused. For many it is their first exposure to what it may look and sound like to ask shamelessly and directly for love, and then being receptive and willing to let it in. Openess and vulnerablility, what we most desire, takes some getting used to.
Receiving While Giving
Recently my sweetie asked me to hear her out while she shared some painful feelings that had been building up inside of her. I agreed, and for a few minutes was able to listen compassionately while she vented. Gradually I got tired of just giving silent support. I began to go into my head, where, often with the best of intentions to be helpful, I transform into… Mr. Fix-It!
In this particular situation Mr. Fix-It was awakening from a nap, about to come out and offer solutions to her problems rather than sticking with empathy for her pain. In silent prayer I called on the spirit of John Gray to help me mellow my Martian tendencies. John’s coaching was to stop giving, and take a moment to receive. So, right in the middle of her emotional catharsis, I interrupted and asked her to pause and acknowledge and appreciate me for the listening I had been doing. I told her that I wanted to continue to be available and her appreciation would fuel me to go the distance. She beamed a smile of gratitude and told me how supported and nurtured she felt by the quality of my listening. Her appreciation energized me deeply and I was then able to lull Mr. Fix-It back to sleep and continue listening until she was complete.
Like most of us, I absorbed at an early age the notion that it is better to give than to receive, that there was something unspiritual and even dirty about receiving. I have a hunch that that was a clever marketing plan conjured up by certain religious institutions to increase the blessings bestowed in the bowls.
Giving and receiving are part of the same circle of energy, as inseparable as inhaling and exhaling. Givers receive, and receivers give, with no real distinctions. It’s meant to blur and blend.
And that’s how the circle of love goes around.
“I never feel more given to
than when you take from me
when you understand the joy I feel giving to you
And you know my giving isn’t done
to put you in my debt
but because I want to live the love I feel for you
To receive with grace
may be the greatest giving
There’s no way I can separate the two
When you give to me
I give you my receiving.
When you take from me
I feel so given to”
Song “Given To” (1978) by Ruth Bebermeyer from the album, “Given To.”
About the Author:
Copyright 2008 Scott Kalechstein, All Rights Reserved
Described as a cross between John Denver, Eckhart Tolle, and Robin Williams, Scott Kalechstein has been a full time inspirational speaker, musician, writer, traveling reverend and transformational humorist since 1990, with nine CD’s of his being distributed internationally. He has spoken and sung and given concerts and workshops at over two hundred hundred New Thought Churches over the years, including Agape, Mile High, and at Unity Village. Scott has provided music at the lectures and workshops of Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Deepak Chopra, John Gray, Ram Dass, Byron Katie, Joan Borysenko, Alan Cohen, and Marianne Williamson, among many others. A pioneer in the field of music improvisation, Scott creates therapeutic “Song Portraits”, original compositions of voice and guitar, recorded onto CD’s, spontaneously composed for people wishing greater clarity or guidance on specific issues. His entertaining website is at www.scottsongs.com.
