One of my theories in life is that we have to be solid enough to provide a foundation so that our children can stand on our shoulders in the hopes that they'll see further that we did. If that happens, then the entire human race might really become humane- that's the hope.
I was a single mother back in the days when there weren't many of us around. Most women I knew were married with kids; I just had the child but lost the ring. When I look back now, I'm not sure how I raised a daughter on my own and worked at an acting career.
Let's take a moment and sing the praises of all single working mothers out there. They don't call it a mother lode for nothing, because this type of life can be a real load. Today there are many single fathers out there, and my hat is also off to them.
Parenting Lessons
The first lesson I learned as a single parent of a daughter is that you have to let each other off the hook. If you make somebody feel guilty, they're going to hate you. Guilt and resentment are entwined as a kind of negative pas de deux. (By the way, you shouldn't make adults feel guilty either.)
As for kids, relating to them at their level of emotional development makes for validated children, talking down to a child is patronizing and can lead to feelings of inferiority. You can treat them in a childlike way, but not childishly. The latter comes with all kinds of judgments
In terms of structure and discipline, let's say that your son or daughter does something wrong, which everyone will do from time to time. Rather than using the old paradigm of strident authority and fear-based parenting, let the child off the hook by creating an emotion based in safety and truth. It's a unique way of parenting: Let things slide once in a while- not all the time, but every now and then.
When my little girl did something a little naughty, I didn't jump to the age-old "Go to your room!" Instead, I'd look at her and say. "All right, here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna go out and have a malted milk and talk about his." I guarantee that your child's jaw will hit the floor- and he or she will listen!
Understand that you're not encouraging improper behavior. You just go get the malt and say, "I thought it would be a good thing if we shared something sweet while we talked. I'm not giving you the malt because you did something wrong. And, by the way, because you did something wrong, you can't go to a movie this weekend."
I never ended the talk on a negative note. I'd always add, "But, honey, I want you to know that you're loved. I also want you to know that we all do things wrong. I want to help you do things right. And if you don't understand what to do, just talk to me. Talk to me, baby. Use your words." At this point, if you're using this strategy, you'll put your arms around your child and hug him. That way the kid isn't afraid to come and tell you that he did something wrong.
It's sad that many parents take the opposite approach. They wait at the kitchen table for their child to return home and bark, "Get your butt over here! You did something horrible!" I think that I've figured out why certain folks do that: They're still terrified of their own parents, and remain scared of their own childhoods. As kids, these people were told that they didn't do things right. Now, as grown-ups, they're so afraid of making a mistake- and God forbid that their child should make one!
It's tragic to me when I run into people who were abused either physically or emotionally as children. Just so you're aware, there are approximately 374,270 registered child molesters of children living in the United States today. Beware! Protect your child. The parents of these criminals didn't love themselves either and took that loathing to a state where they abused their own children in one way or another. The cycle can continue generation after generation.
I'm certainly not saying that I'm a perfect parent. I don't believe that anyone fits that description, just as there aren't any perfect people yet! God isn't finished with us, and we're all still evolving or spiraling. I made a lot of mistakes as a mother, and my daughter will mess up, and my grandchildren will do the same with their children. What's important is to be able to say that you really tried.
The other day someone asked me if I believed in spanking. I can see how a parent might be caught in the type of emotional spiral where they believe that it's time to go to the last resort, which is to get physical. However, I don't believe that "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" No way! I just don't believe in hitting, which is basically physical abuse. Talk it out, even when you don't think the words are working. They'll get through eventually, and you'll be glad that you didn't go down the other path.
Healthy Parenting
It's important to listen to your child with the "ear" of your heart because it creates mutual self-respect. I tried to really hear my daughter, encouraging her to feel that she would always be safe coming to me to talk about anything. I'll never forget the afternoon when Laura was 13 came home from school, put her books down, grabbed some ice cream, and calmly stated, "You know, Mother, a lot of kids in my class have already had sex."
This utterly shocked, nearly hysterical mother froze on the outside. Inside, a rapidly pounding heart silently shook my entire body. But forcing myself to be calm and rational, I asked in a quiet voice, "Well, honey, how do you feel about that?"
My daughter took several bites of her ice cream, sighed, and responded with the wisdom that God gives the innocent. "Well, even though their bodies may be ready for sex, emotionally they're not prepared to exchange energy with another human being."
I was stunned and though, if only we could teach all of our children the meaning of that statement, then this would be a better world. The point is that we must show our children how to make choices that are good for them and will bring the results that they really want- not just provide a momentary pleasure that might complicate their lives. It's still a good idea to teach looking before you leaping. (I wish I could get that one through to a few adults, too!)
On that day over ice cream, I said to my wise daughter, "That's' really a mature opinion, Laura. I'm so impresses with your point of view. "She grinned happily, made some popcorn and went to get the checkers game. Discussion over.
About the Author: Diane's new book, "Spiraling Through the School of Life," covers her journey to find her miracles through releasing anger and learning to forgive; some good old-fashioned Southern home healing; and the right way to eat and stay active. She has been nominated three times for each Emmys and Oscars and is the recipient of 23 other international awards. Diane and her daughter, Laura Dern, made show-business history as the only mother/daughter duo to be nominated for an Oscar in the same film. For more information on her book, please visit. www.dianeladd.com
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