Several years ago we lived in Woodstock, NY. One of our favorite pastimes was to visit a store that had a very eclectic bent, as did its owner. His name is Alan and the store’s name is, “Just Alan.” Alan is a sweet, bearded man who has a passion for quality items. We bought our wedding and engagement rings from him because one of the products he carries is fine jewelry. We would haunt his store on Saturday mornings because Alan made a wicked double espresso, which went well with his fine Belgian dark chocolates. We would visit on rainy days for the homemade soup du jour and just about any time to look at his antique cars, fantastic bird feeders, oriental porcelain cups and plates, hand woven shawls, kites and high quality cigars from the Canary Islands, etc.
One of the other curiosities that Alan offered was exotic, hand raised tropical birds, parrots and cockatoos. In the midst of the plethora of fun things look at, touch and buy stood an enormous wrought iron, handmade birdcage. This palatial cage was inhabited by Jewels. Jewels was a large sulfur crested cockatoo, a white bird in the parrot family. Jewels and I had a special relationship. Whenever I would come into the store, he would stick his head out of the cage calling to me and raising his crest. The ritual was, as I approached, Jewels would arch his neck, head pointed toward the floor, requesting me to work my fingers between the feathers and give his neck a massaging scratch. Like a dog, when my interest faded for scratching his neck, he would gently nibble my fingers with his beak and bump my hand with his crest, stretching even further between the bars of his cage, encouraging me to continue. Jewels and I were friendly for in this manner several years.
Sometimes when we visited, Jewels would be out of his cage sitting on the counter or riding around on Alan’s shoulder. On those occasions, Jewels greeted me and hopped over to my shoulder or hand and extended his neck to be scratched.
One quiet afternoon, Ariel and I visited Alan’s and Jewels began his customary straining against the bars of his cage, requesting attention. I said, “Would it be OK if I take Jewels out of his cage?” Alan said, “Sure, go ahead.” I scratched Jewels neck in greeting and then I released the latch and pulled open the door. When I reached in and offered him my hand as a perch he did not immediately climb aboard so I nudged his feet with my fingers in hopes of encouraging him to come out and play.
In a flash, Jewels attacked the skin between my thumb and forefinger with his beak. Shocked and already showing blood at the puncture, I yelped and yanked my hand out of the cage, Jewels still attached. I shook my hand until he fell free and fluttered to the floor. He then proceeded to attack my shoes. I retreated and Jewels began chasing me around the store. Alan called out, “Don’t let him catch you. His beak is capable of crushing nuts and can easily pierce your shoe and break your toe.”
My relationship with Jewels forever changed in that moment and was never the same thereafter. I realized that for all of Jewels’ straining against the bars of his cage, he was indeed at home and felt safe there. It was his comfort zone and I had no right to reach in and try to take him out.
This interaction taught us a valuable lesson, which has supported us in working with people. We have discovered
that if people truly want to free themselves from the confining nature of self-defeating habits, negative personal history and the story of their lives, we can assist them in doing that. If, however, people say they want to be free of the limitations that have followed them through life but are actually comfortable in their cages and are unwilling to give that up, then reaching in to take them out becomes a violent act. And they will fight to defend their right to stay immersed in the reasons for their inability to be happy, healthy and live in a state of well being.
We don’t mean to give the impression that you shouldn’t be willing to give people in need a helping hand. What we are suggesting is that sometimes people say they want help but really don’t. We have learned to respect a person’s right to stay in his or her cage. It has been our experience that if we exercise patience and keep pointing to the door, then each individual who truly wants to be free will find his or her own way out.
Ariel and Shya Kane are internationally acclaimed seminar leaders and business consultants whose revolutionary technology, Instantaneous Transformation, has helped thousands of individuals and companies worldwide. The Kanes’ best-selling book, Working on Yourself Doesn’t Work: A Book About Instantaneous Transformation, is available at local and online bookstores, via the Kanes’ website or by calling toll-free 800-431-1579. Ariel and Shya lead evening and weekend groups in Manhattan, dedicated to supporting people in living in the moment and having extraordinary, fulfilling lives. For more information, including dates and location, call 908-479-6034 or visit their website: www.ask-inc.com
