If you don’t like who you are as a person, it’s likely you aren’t all that satisfied with your relationship. And it’s even more likely that you aren’t able to be a great partner to your spouse. People who are comfortable with whom they are make the best partners and report the most marital satisfaction.
If you aren’t happy with yourself, how happy do you think your partner is with you? If you give the message to your partner that says, “I don’t love myself but you should love me,” your partner will see through this. Remember, it isn’t your partner’s job to give you constant reassurance that you’re okay the way you are.
When people don’t like themselves, they tend to think about themselves quite a bit. They often spend a lot of time worrying what others think of them. They may focus on their appearance or their desire to be liked.
People also behave differently when they aren’t happy with themselves. They may not socialize as much. Or they may go to great lengths trying to gain approval from others. This may take many forms. Perhaps they try to be “people pleasers” to gain acceptance. Or maybe they just can’t say no when anyone asks something from them. They may buy gifts for people to try and buy approval.
Rose and Dan had been married for three years. Rose spent a lot of time worrying about herself. She refused to go to the beach with Dan, even though he loved surfing. She told him she was “too fat” to be seen in a bathing suit. She missed out on other opportunities because she was concerned with not wanting to upset people or to offend them. It really bothered Dan that his wife didn’t seem to care when he told her she was beautiful and her refusals to participate in certain activities caused conflict.
Sometimes it is important to evaluate whether or not there is a reason you are not happy with yourself. You may find there is a reason you are dissatisfied. For example, if helping others is important to you and you notice that you aren’t doing anything for others lately, this might be the reason you haven’t been feeling good about yourself. Ask yourself, are you living according to your values? If you notice discrepancies, make some changes so you’ll feel better about yourself and live a happier life.
If however, you are living the kind of life you want to, and still aren’t happy, it could mean you need to work on yourself. It may be that you are overly critical of yourself. Or perhaps your feelings about yourself are dependent on how others feel about you. For example, if someone else seems to be happy with your work, then you’re happy. If they aren’t satisfied, you can’t be satisfied.
Sometimes people have difficulty being satisfied with who they are due to past hurts or trauma. Abuse, abandonment, and other emotional scars can make it difficult for people to feel good about whom they are. If you have past hurts that aren’t yet healed, it is important to consider therapy as a way to help you work through issues that may be holding you back.
If you are confident in whom you are as a person, you’ll be better able to focus on your partner and your relationship. You’ll be able to make decisions with more assurance and be able to be the best partner that you can be to your spouse. If you struggle with depression, self-esteem problems and a general dissatisfaction with who you are, consider treatment. Individual or couples therapy can help you to be the best partner that you can be.
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