I can still remember a pattern I saw over and over when I went
through group therapy. Someone in the group would really be
bugging me. I would speak up and say something like, “You know
what your problem is? It’s that you always (fill in the
issue).” The person would, of course, deny it.
The group would then converge on the person to let him know
that he was in denial and that what I said was true. After
enough input from enough people, the person would usually accept
that the issue in question was one he needed to work on. Then
invariably, someone would turn to me and say something like . .
.
“Well, Randy, that’s interesting that you noticed that in
Brian. Because you have exactly the same issue.”
I, of course, was incredulous, and would immediately let the
person know how off base he was. I would turn to the group for
support. One look in their eyes would let me know I was in
trouble. They would be looking at me like a priest who spots a
fresh crop of altar boys. This was their chance to put me in my
place, and they would hit me with both barrels.
One by one they would take turns verbally confronting me on my
behavior. They did this for two reasons:
Reason number one, because they hated me. I was arrogant,
opinionated and argumentative. I resented the group, I hated
being analyzed, and I was in deep denial about my emotional
issues. Which is the second reason the group often ganged up on
me . . .
Because they were right.
So the argument would last for two or three of the weekly
sessions. The group confronting me-me denying it.
I would leave the sessions incensed at the unfairness of it
all. Usually, after hours of turning it over in my mind, I
would come to the realization that the group was right. Then
I’d have to go back and admit it to them the next session, which
pissed me off even more.
And time after time, the whole issue was brought out because
I
recognized and hated the behavior in someone else. That
person
was the mirror image I needed to start the process.
My pattern was:
- Notice the problem in someone else
- Confront them
- Get confronted back
- Argue and deny
- Self-searching and deliberation
- Acceptance and the ability to then move on
This was a pretty stupid, dysfunctional way to learn lesson,
but it was the only one that worked for me at the stage of
consciousness I was at. I think this is a common pattern for
people who begin the self-development process. It ain’t fun,
but it works.
What about you? What is the process you use for learning,
confronting, and changing dysfunctional behavior in your life?
How do you recognize and correct personal issues?
In my case, I’ve learned how to streamline the process. I now
have two ways that I make change.
Process one. I take note when something someone else does
really bothers me. I’ve realized that when something bothers me
from another-that may be an issue I need to look at in myself.
So the process here is:
- Noticing a problem in someone else
- Self-searching and deliberation
- Acceptance and the ability to then move on
The other way this happens for me is when I am confronted by
someone I trust. There are only a few of these people in my
life. But I trust them implicitly. They have demonstrated to
me that they know how to be “real,” they are well adjusted, and
their own life is working well. They won’t tell me what I want
to hear, and they’re not afraid to “call me on my stuff.”
So the process here is:
- Someone I trust “calling me on my stuff”
- Self-searching and deliberation
- Acceptance and the ability to then move on
Now this doesn’t mean that every time I react to someone’s
behavior, or someone brings my own behavior to my attention, I
automatically accept that I need to change.
Sometimes I’m reacting out of knee-jerk response mode to an old
issue I’ve had before. Other times people who bring something
up to me are only projecting their own insecurity on me. But I
have found that most of the time it is something that I need to
address. And when something is brought to me that I’m just not
sure about-I will check it out with someone else I trust.
So where does the problem come in?
Finding enough people at the consciousness I am at. And that
is the real issue for you as well. Because it can be a little
daunting to locate these people-and a little scary to let go of
the others.
Once you get on the pathway of personal development-you can
start to leave people behind real quick. And it’s not them you
have to worry about-it’s you.
Because you may self-sabotage yourself to keep things
comfortable . . .
This issue is raised a lot by my students in my online success
and mentor program, BreakthroughU.com. Many participants are
starting to realize that they are surrounded with lack and
limitation thinking. They’re challenged with negative people.
They might be married to such people. They start to see that
moving forward to success is going to mean some change,
disruption, and uneasiness. This can cause anxiety that
percolates below the surface.
And it could just cause you to not take an action that would
move you forward . . .
I challenge my friends on their prosperity consciousness and
remind them of the greatness they have inside. And point out
that the universe rewards greatness with riches, if you are
willing to accept it.
So how’s your friendship situation?
What role do you play for your friends? Do you have people in
your life that will do this for you? How often do you put
yourself in the company of people who challenge your beliefs and
expand your concept of what abundance is?
Take a people inventory. Count the people in your life who can
be “real” and will call you on your stuff. Now I don’t mean
people who will tell you this stuff to tear you down, “keep you
in your place,” or make you feel bad. You have a few dozen who
will do that, and you need them like you need a fork in your
eye.
I mean people who will tell you this stuff with love.
People
who want you to win, and want to help you in that process.
Locating, cultivating and interacting with this kind of people
is one of the most important things you will do in your life.
True happiness can’t happen unless you develop this network of
support people who keep you grounded in reality, yet still
aspiring for greatness. Get an honest feel for where you are in
this category, and evaluate who in your life right now is a
candidate to move from a neutral position to a support one.
Then make a concerted effort to deepen the relationship with
those people.
Next, take a brutally honest inventory of your own life. Do
you find yourself addicted to drama and chaos? Do you need to
always have ten deadlines hanging over your head, ten people
tugging at your sleeves, and ten others counting on you to help
them? This kind of chaos is usually a good indication of self-
sabotage. And usually the cause is the subconscious guilt you
feel for being too successful.
So you keep attracting, manufacturing and manifesting the chaos-
so you can still identify yourself as a “little guy” (or gal),
struggling against the forces of evil, like all your victim
friends.
Finally, ask yourself how I would respond to what you do, and
the way you value it. What are the deep-seated beliefs you have
about your occupation and now prosperous you can become doing
it? How successful would I be at your job or business if I did
it?
Give it some honest reflection on all these questions. Let
this article serve the same purpose as if I was having a
conversation with you. Let me really question your beliefs-so
you really question your beliefs. And can let go of the ones
that don’t serve you!
*Excerpted from Randy Gage’s Breakthrough U monthly lesson
For more than 15 years, Randy Gage has been helping people transform self-limiting beliefs into self-fulfilling breakthroughs to achieve their dreams. Randy Gage is a modern day explorer in the field of body-mind development and personal growth. He is the author of the best-selling albums, Dynamic Development and Prosperity and director of http://www.BreakthroughU.com . For more resources and to subscribe to Randy's free ezine newsletters visit http://www.RandyGage.com .
