Winter’s come and gone. And now, how does your garden grow?
No doubt it’s survived some difficult times during these past
months, and
yet it’s still there waiting for you to grab your favorite seeds, a bag
of
mulch, the trowel, and your flowered gloves so you can transform it into
this
year’s paradise. That’s not unlike the path of progress for romantic
relationships. They, too, go through challenging conditions followed by
new times of
growth and expansion.
So while the grounds surrounding your home may be calling out for
special
care and attention, we want to take you for a stroll through the flower
beds
of love that live within your home. You’ll be pleased with how gardening
can
create marvelous magic even there.
Please join us as we start by introducing the two largest plants in
our
home.
We met on a blind date. Jim was 45 and twice divorced. Judith was 43
and
never married. We weren’t each other’s type and there wasn’t instant
chemistry.
Yet, on the fourth date, when we first held hands, we knew something
was
happening that went beyond anything we’d ever experienced or even
imagined. It
scared us-and it was thrilling. We didn’t yet call it love. It simply
announced itself through our holding hands-the heat, the intensity, the
energy of a
deeply connected soul-meeting.
It would be several more dates before we had the courage to kiss.
And
when we did, a tidal wave of emotion took over as Judith began to weep
with
joy-for reasons too profound to understand at the time. We couldn’t deny
what was
happening.
Rather soon, we began to discover how very different we were from
each
other-sort of like Neatly Tended Bonsai (Judith) meets Wildly Ranging
Grapevine
(Jim). We also came to our relationship with deeply tangled roots from
our
early years in separate nurseries where we grew from seedling to
maturity, as
well as the hot house pressures of trying to coil ourselves up the rigid
trellises of others’ expectations.
Meanwhile, neither of us received expert pruning. Judith had been
excessively trimmed back while Jim lacked appropriate direction. Hardly
stuff for the
best cross-fertilization. Yet we were old enough to know that it was in
our
differences that the soil of love could best be fertilized. The test
would come
with our first real fight. If only we could fight for the relationship
and
not to win.
We’d known each other four months when we went to Hanford, near the
Sierras in Northern California. We had a wonderful time hiking through
the
redwoods, taking photographs of each other, and dancing and watching
fireworks on the
4th of July.
As we paid the hotel bill, Jim saw a notice for a jazz concert a few
months later and asked Judith if she’d like to come back for the event.
Judith was silent.
Rather abruptly and a bit too sharply, Jim said, “Okay, we won’t.”
Shocked and hurt, Judith shot back, “What’s wrong with you? I didn’t
say
no.”
Contempt curled around the edges. The fight was on.
We stalked out to the car, angry and scared, with hundreds of miles
to go
before the safety of our own homes.
Creepy parasites had burrowed up from the depths-Jim’s insecurity
and
Judith’s fear of attack. How would we respond to the pain that now
flooded the
blossoming of our togetherness? Would this tender exposure, forced into
awareness by the hurricane of misunderstanding, kill or fertilize the
new love that
was taking root?
After we’d pouted and snarled a bit, we started settling into the
demands
of the storm,
realizing that we could either allow the winds to destroy what we had,
or we
could join together in discovering a new way to be together now that the
weather had announced the need for change.
Judith: Why did you snap at me? I didn’t do anything.
Jim: You were silent for so long, I thought…
Judith: (defensively) I was just thinking!
Jim: Well, why didn’t you say so? I thought you hated my idea.
Judith: You didn’t have to take my silence personally.
Jim: You looked sullen, it made me feel insecure.
Judith: Insecure! Are you kidding!!?? Really? I thought you were
punishing me because I didn’t respond immediately. I felt attacked.
The thorny nettles of deep truth were weeding their way into the
open.
Would we use them to hurt each other? Or would we treasure them as the
kind of
fertilzer necessary to help us grow the kind of love we wanted to share?
Digging into our conversation with curiosity and back-and-forth
clarification, we slowly unearthed layers of compassion for one
another’s injuries. Our
growing awareness brought us much closer and eased the pain of old
wounds
that accompanied us on this intimate adventure.
What started out as a “stupid misunderstanding” in a hotel lobby
turned
out to be the profound seedling of deepest romance, richer love, and
sweet
sympathy for one another. It guided the rest of our trip home and
informs our
marriage all these years later.
We had indeed opened a can of worms. But just the kind that every
gardener hopes for-those that produce rich, robust fertilizer from
digesting whatever
they take in.
And conflict is like fertilizer-it may not smell good but in the end
it
gives you a really colorful and robust crop.
Sadly, most people avoid fertilizing their love, afraid they’ll
create
root rot instead of revitalized soil. But that’s because they’ve never
known how
important conflict is to their own self-development, healing, and
germinaion
of new life. When people avoid clashing, they prohibit the growth of
love and
they avoid the spiritual learning that love was intended to provide.
You see, at the center of an established relationship, a couple’s
garden
plot will have well defined and agreed upon boundaries and support
structures. Inside the garden it’s weeded, watered, and well tended.
Everything is
running smoothly and growing well. But out beyond the limits of their
garden, it’s
nothing but wilderness.
And when you get into the wilderness of your relationship, you don’t
know
what the lay of the land is, you don’t know what’s going on with each
other,
and you can easily crash into each other. That’s where most conflicts
occur-where the wilderness needs to be cultivated to become more of your
garden.
A conflict is like an SOS. It’s saying, “Listen, this clash of
differences is just telling you that change is required. And the change
will domesticate
more of your wild territory, so that your garden can become larger and
more
beautiful.”
No clash is one-sided. When the beans and zucchini feel invaded by
each
other’s expansive growth, they each have a solid complaint. Likewise,
each
person in a conflict has a point of view that needs to be taken
seriously. And
each is similar to a plant species-it needs unique soil, moisture,
pruning, and
sunlight-and, to some degree, that’s always what each one is fighting
for.
But out of ignorance, most people ignore each other’s differing
needs and
then try to force the other to give up being different. It’s like trying
to
get a rose to grow in the desert or a pine tree to take root in sand. It
never
works.
But when you use conflict as fertilizer, to learn more about
yourself and
each other- especially at deeper levels of emotional experience-then you
both feel recognized and understood for who you really are. You then
find
yourself wanting to change, wanting to provide more appropriate
conditions for each
other’s development, and for the growth of your love.
When you love more fully through the process of conflict, you
are
changed. When you are loved as the result of healthy conflict, you are
changed.
Just like with nature’s spring flower festival, the more attention you
pay to
resolving weeds, mites, and beetle bugs, the more beautiful grows your
garden
of love.
Fertilize your love and the blessing of being together.
Fight well. Fight fair. Fight to know each other better and better.
Fight to grow the love you share.
Only then can you continually turn over new soil, creating and
cultivating the very best growing conditions for your love.
Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim
Sniechowski, Ph.D., are the bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are as well as two other relationship books. They
named
their company
The Magic of Differences because at the heart of their work is the
message
that embracing differences is the key to successful loving and living.
Their corporate trainings and relationship workshops demonstrate the
groundbreaking personal and professional benefits available when people
learn to
respect and value the differences between them. As guest experts they’ve
been on
over 800 television and radio shows including Oprah, The O’Reilly
Factor, 48
Hours, Canada AM, and The View.
Visit their website at www.themagicofdifferences.com
