"To say 'I love you,' one must first know how to say the word 'I.'"
–Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead"
You know that to love anyone else, you must first love yourself. But are you really aware of what that means on a practical application level? Ayn Rand taught, and I absolutely believe she was correct, when she said you must live your life by the fundamental values of:
Purpose.
Self-esteem.
Reason.
We've discussed the virtue of selfishness before. Now let me really blow your mind. What do you think when I tell you that…
Your highest moral purpose must be your own happiness.
Does that threaten you? Offend you? Make you angry? If so, please take a good look at that. Because this is the only healthy, sane way to live. And the only way that ensures the survival of the species, and the well being of most people. In fact, it is the only honorable way to conduct any relationship!
You must not sacrifice yourself to others because that is depravity. It is depravity because it is a certain state of moral corruption and degradation. It is sick, a sure symptom of mental illness. Do you really get that?
And likewise for the opposite situation. You shouldn't ask others to sacrifice for you, for that is no less sick and depraved. Corrupting the morals of others is no less evil than corrupting your own.
It doesn't serve anyone to degrade yourself or to degrade others. And that is exactly what sacrificing yourself for others is. In the book "Atlas Shrugged," one of Ayn Rand's main characters is asked, "What is the most depraved kind of human being?" His answer would likely surprise most people, since he doesn't suggest a murderer, or rapist, or other sex offender. His answer is, "The man without a purpose."
When asked about why she suggested this as opposed to the other possibilities, Ayn replied, " Because that aspect of their character lies at the root of and causes all the evils which you mentioned in your question. Sadism, dictatorship, or any form of evil, is the consequence of a man's evasion of reality. A consequence of his failure to think.
The man without a purpose is a man who drifts at the mercy of random feelings or unidentified urges and is capable of any evil, because he is totally out of control of his own life. In order to have control of your life, you have to have a purpose-a productive purpose."
When you have your own happiness as your highest moral purpose, you have a productive-and moral-reason to exist. And here's the important thing . . .
If everyone did this, the world would be a much better place! Instead of dysfunction, depravity, and codependence, we would have healthy, functional, value-for-value relationships. No one would be asking others to sacrifice yourself for him or her, and you would behave the same way. That is the way healthy relationships are done.
The next important fundamental value is running your life by reason. Which means that you analyze things with the criteria of whether it serves your highest moral purpose, which is the perpetuation of your happiness.
The question people ask me the most is, 'How do I know whether a belief I have is lack oriented?' This is actually quite easy. Don't make it complicated. The question to ask is simply:
"Does this belief serve me?"
And the way to discern that is with your rational mind. Emotions are good. They are a vital part of living a full and rich life. But the truly sane and emotionally balanced person will know-or will make it a point to discover-what is causing those emotions. There does not have to be a clash between your emotions and reason.
You'll remember we discussed this in the Daily Awakening a few days ago. I asked, 'When I question a core belief of yours, are you furious with me because I'm "wrong," or because you are afraid to even ask the question?'
When someone tells you that they love you and you are afraid-is it because you don't love them, or because you do, and you're afraid you'll lose them?
Is it really fear of failure that holds you back? Or is it really fear of success?
So yes, you experience emotions. But don't make life-altering decisions based solely upon them. Feel your emotions, then learn what causes them. Then use your rational mind to decide what is in your highest good.
That means extend the situation to its logical conclusion, and see if the logic holds up. Meaning, checking to ensure that if you pursue a particular course of action to its completion, it will make you happy. If not, it is counterproductive to your existence. This of course leads us to the third fundamental value: Self-Esteem.
A sane person accepts him or herself, and is comfortable in his or her own skin. And they are also comfortable with being selfish, and ensuring that their own needs are met. They understand that if they were to sacrifice themselves for others, they would diminish and degrade themselves, and ultimately be of use to no one.
Now this leads us to the next question that arises for many. Namely, what about love and relationships?
Love is an expression of your self-esteem. And an expression of your deepest values. You fall in love with someone who shares these values. And if you truly do love someone, it means that they bring happiness to your life. Or in other words, you love them for purely selfish and personal reasons! (Because if you weren't in love for this reason, it wouldn't make sense. If you were in love for a selfless reason, it would mean that you would get no joy or personal pleasure, and are there simply for self-sacrificial pity for that person. That is not love. It is dysfunctional craziness.)
That doesn't mean that there are not millions of people who would accept that kind of sick, superficial love. There are. But those are the people who want to remain sick, broke, and stupid. They merely want to suck the joy, life and energy from your body. Then, when you are as lifeless as they are, they will be content to know that you share an equal misery.
You choose the person you love, and you fall in love with them because they bring happiness to your life. This is the highest compliment and honor you can ever pay another human being-that you love them for the selfish reason of the happiness and joy they bring you.
Now all this is not to be confused with Hedonism . . .
The philosophy of hedonism holds that only what is pleasant or has pleasant consequences is intrinsically good. The psychology of hedonism holds that all behavior is motivated by the desire for pleasure and the avoidance of pain. This would seem to suggest that pleasure is a standard for morality. Which is most certainly not the case…
That would mean that whatever values you had would be moral. It wouldn't matter if you chose them consciously or unconsciously, with reason, or by emotion. You would be basing your morality on whims, urges, or whatever desires possessed you at the moment. This is definitely immoral.
Good must be defined by a rational standard of value. Pleasure is not a "first cause," but rather a consequence. The consequence of actions you take because you have made a rational value judgment.
Let's continue with this logical exploration of this philosophy to live life by. At this stage many people will ask about serving others, and giving to charity. They wonder if I mean that they shouldn't help others or support charities. Glad you asked.
There is this belief that you have a moral obligation to help those less fortunate than you. Nothing could be further than the truth. This is the kind of belief that keeps people sick, broke and stupid.
If you live your life by the principles we are discussing, you very well may help others and contribute to charity. Personally, the number one expense on my tax return for the last five years or so has been charity. And I anticipate it will remain so for the foreseeable future. And I have often helped others with support, even though no one else knows of it, and I don't get a tax credit. But here are the three criteria I use:
- The person or organization is worthy of the support.
- I can afford to do it.
- It brings me happiness to do it.
That alone is what determines on whom and where I spend my charity dollars. It certainly has nothing to do with who is the "neediest," or what causes are politically correct.
I support a great deal of causes. The Opera, symphony, my church, wildlife funds, disease prevention and cures, homeless shelters, runaway shelters, and scholarships. I have bought business items and computers for aspiring speakers, outfits for upcoming singers, paid for martial arts training for foster kids, funded academic scholarships, sponsored more amateur sports teams than I can count, and bought Christmas presents for a whole bunch of kids who wouldn't have got any.
But I did this for purely selfish reasons! For the happiness it brings me. Take the concept even farther. You might even step in the way of a bullet that was headed for your spouse or someone you love greatly. If their value to you were so great, that you would not care to live without them, it wouldn't be self-sacrifice. It would be a case of protecting what you value.
And that is where this all leads to. You know exactly what brings value to you, and furthers your purpose, which is a life of happiness. It means accepting that you are supposed to be happy and working towards that end, without guilt. Rejecting the tribal thought surrounding you and refusing to give in to guilt rackets that are practiced on you.
As you look around the world today, it is easy to view man as a helpless, subservient, robot. Most people are just worker drones in the collective, living their sick, broke and stupid lives. We are surrounded by mediocrity, depravity, and fear. But if you look a little deeper, you see something else . . .
You see Concorde flying at Mach 2.2, study missions to Mars, and the Golden Gate Bridge. You experience a Puccini's Opera, read a Hemingway book, or watch Michael Jordan defy the laws of gravity. You marvel at the Great Pyramids, the tenacity of Lance Armstrong, or the courage of a single mother battling cancer.
You start to see the enormity of the human spirit, and the greatness we are capable of. You realize that man is not inherently weak and helpless; he just becomes that way when he refuses to use his mind.
And you recognize that you yourself can do great things, and do them for the right reasons. You can be bold, daring and imaginative, and leave this world a better place because you were walking on it for a while. When you live your life by the core values of purpose, reason and self-esteem.
For more than 15 years, Randy Gage has been helping people transform self-limiting beliefs into self-fulfilling breakthroughs to achieve their dreams. Randy Gage is a modern day explorer in the field of body-mind development and personal growth. He is the author of the best-selling albums, Dynamic Development and Prosperity and director of www.BreakthroughU.com . For more resources and to subscribe to Randy's free ezine newsletters visit www.RandyGage.com
