In previous months I’ve covered various aspects of Speak with Good Purpose including: Why Speak with Good Purpose, Awareness, Intention, Gossip, Visible Communication, Communication Killers, and Active Listening.
This month, let’s look at some ways to “open the door” to positive communication, especially during challenging situations.
SPEAK WITH GOOD PURPOSE
Make positive communication a habit
Speaking with good purpose makes a difference at all times, and it becomes vital when people have a negative interaction. It can be challenging to communicate negative feelings without slipping into negative patterns-laying blame, attacking, accusing, insulting-especially as we know that these behaviors don’t accomplish anything positive. The only power they have is to damage, confuse, and wound feelings, and they usually inspire the other person to respond in a negative way.
In my organization we teach two powerful tools for achieving clear, constructive communication. The first is used to make our communication “visible’ by saying what we want and/or how we feel, whether those feelings are positive or negative. The second is a method for apologizing when you’ve disappointed or offended someone. Both of these tools are focused on moving forward in a positive way.
OTFD: Open The Front Door
In our programs we teach people to Open The Front Door when they want to communicate something. It’s good for communicating thoughts whether you’re upset about something or want to acknowledge someone-it can be used in almost any situation.
OTFD communicates four vital pieces of information: Observation, Thought, Feeling, and Desire. Here’s an example. You could start with …
“I really value our friendship and there’s something going on that I’d like to clear up with you. Can we do it now?” Then …
Observation: “Twice last week you made plans with me and then canceled them at the last minute to do something else.”
Thought: “I think that your time with me isn’t very important to you when your plans change the minute something more interesting comes along.”
Feeling: “Each time you cancel your plans with me, I feel disappointed and hurt.”
Desire: “In the future, I’d like you to only make plans with me that you have full intention of keeping. If you think something more interesting might come up, please don’t schedule anything with me.”
Using OTFD may feel awkward at first, but it will become more natural with some practice. Many of us are not used to communicating how we really feel, preferring to avoid possible conflict, but that’s not the best route to meaningful relationships. If communicating our thoughts, feelings and desires clearly is important enough, using this tool can give us the best chance for success. It may not produce our desired result every time, but it will at least give the other person a better idea of how we feel about a situation and most often will improve our relationship.
Having used it for so many years, OTFD now comes quite easily to me and sometimes I’m not even aware that I’ve used it. This was brought to my attention by one of our students who had just completed a SuperCamp program last summer.
The child had slipped on the floor in the cafeteria and her parent was irate, talking in a very hostile way to the now nervous cafeteria manager, and threatening her with a lawsuit. When I became aware of the tense situation, I joined the conversation with words that defused the situation. Then, while walking with the mother and child to another room, the child looked up at me and very quietly said, “You used OTFD on my Mom-and it worked!” Another “aha” moment when a child shows me the value of some of our teachings!
Apologize with this four-part process
OTFD’s mirror is the four-part apology: Acknowledge, Apologize, Make it Right, and Recommit. Use these four steps when you’ve disappointed, hurt, or offended someone. For example, let’s look at your possible response if you were on the other side of the conversation above.
Acknowledge: Take responsibility for what you’ve done. Use “I statements” to show that you’re the one behind the action: “I acknowledge that I’ve canceled our plans at the last minute more than once and that this is upsetting for you.”
Apologize: “I apologize for wasting your time and making you feel I didn’t care.”
Make it Right: Ask, “How can I make it right?” If they don’t have something specific in mind, offer something to make up for their loss. “Since you didn’t have such a good day last Saturday when I canceled our plans, is there something you’d like to do together next Saturday that would make up for it?”
Recommit: Show that you don’t want to upset your friend again. “From now on, if I make plans with you I’ll keep them, unless a real emergency comes up. Your friendship means a lot to me.”
The power of the four-step apology lies in its ability to demonstrate that you’re taking responsibility for your actions. When the people in your life realize you’re willing and able to do that, they’ll be more open and trusting with you. Your relationships will be better.
Clearing the air of misunderstandings releases tensions and feels great. It produces positive energy and creates synergy, even if it’s a situation that’s been festering for a long time. With clear, positive communication, even long-standing negative situations can be resolved. People whose relationships have faltered for years can get back on track when they apologize with this level of responsibility.
Conclusion
Here are the most important things to remember about Speak with Good Purpose . . .
Think about the intention of your words
Have a NO-TOLERANCE zone for gossip
Use visible communication-let people know your intent
Be an active listener-don’t deny, don’t resolve, don’t me-too
OTFD: Open the Front Door
(Observation, Thought, Feeling, Desire)
Four-Part Apology
(Acknowledge, Apologize, Make it Right, Recommit)
Speaking with Good Purpose allows you to harness the awesome power of words. When you speak positively, honestly, and directly, words cease to be a random force and begin to direct their awesome energy into building and maintaining strong relationships.
About the Author:
Bobbi DePorter is the author of Quantum Success and other books on learning and teaching, and is president of Quantum Learning Network (QLN) and cofounder of SuperCamp. QLN produces programs for students, educators, parents and business people across the United States and abroad. For more information visit www.QLN.com or email info@QLN.com.
