There is a defining moment when your marriage is over and the drama of the divorce proceedings have come to an end. Often it is a moment of complete emptiness if not absolute devastation.
Anticipation of a potential glorious new life sometimes gives way to fear, doubt and confusion.
A stable sense of reality becomes warped, often without a grip on what’s really going on. You’re not even sure how you feel or what you want to do next.
In that moment you have a choice.
You can continue to fall deeper and deeper into the chasm. You can become a bitter expression of your former magnificent self. You can lead a personal crusade against anything with testicles or testosterone. You can do any number of things founded in negativity that won’t get you anywhere but farther down into the darkness of despair.
Or, you can muster up the positive moxie – the guts, cajones, chutzpah and fortitude – to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and create a life that will make your heart sing.
I’ve been there, on the ground, wondering what the hell I just did to my life. Thinking my life would be perfect if I had the freedom to live as I pleased instead under the shoulds and must do’s of a Washington, DC lobbyist’s wife. Without grace, I blew up my marriage in order to break free.
The aftermath left me alone in New York City wondering how to begin again.
It wasn’t easy. At first I crawled around in self-pity and my own misery. I see-sawed between blaming my husband for my unhappy marriage and my inner fright of what unknown experiences lay ahead. I was depressed one minute, full of anger the next, and euphoric an hour later….and back again. Sometimes, I’d run this cycle two or three times in a day!
It was calmer and safer to stay on the ground then face the realities of what I just accomplished. As I began to rise above, I met other women who were going through or ‘survived’ the emotional roller coaster of a divorce.
Here’s what I learned:
Like an earthquake, when a marriage cracks open it leaves a vast chasm of pain, challenge and emotional upheaval. When you’re knocked on your ass by a divorce or find yourself down the dark rabbit hole of uncertainty you might as well plant some seeds while you’re down there digging around in the dirt.
Be mindful of what you’re planting. You will be the one to eat the fruit your seedlings bear.
Here’s what I planted:
Seed #1: The Seed of Authenticity
While I was crawling around at rock bottom, I realized that the common denominator of all of my unwanted experiences – including my marriage – was…..me. I got that where I struggled is where I catered to the desires, urgings, and life choices of other people.
The more I disconnected myself from who I really am and what I really want the more I felt unfulfilled, empty and longing for something more, something that I thought couldn’t be had in my current circumstance.
Know this: In order to experience what you long for in life you have to get really clear on what would rock your world. Let go of what well-meaning people, advertisers and the media tell you what you should think, have, be and do.
Reconnect, honor and listen only to the soul-centered voice inside you that knows you by heart. Act only in that direction – no matter what anyone says or thinks about it!
Seed #2: The Seed of Opportunity
As I got clearer on my role in creating my current circumstance I realized how much power I have within me to shape my experiences. Owning this power, becoming the master of your opportunity instead of the victim of your circumstance will take you anywhere you want to go. I viewed every event in my life as an opportunity to learn, create what I want and grow.
Know this: If you fall on your tushie look for and apply the lesson that can be learned from the experience. Mindfully reach for a new perspective. Think of what you can do instead of what you can’t whenever you feel hesitant to pursue what your heart longs for – whether it be a relationship, a career or business opportunity or a personal passion.
Seed #3: The Seed of Appreciation
I began to turn my attention to what was good in my marriage. I started to appreciate what I got out of that marriage, the good and the bad. The nice moments were loving, compassionate, fun and full of possibility. The bad moments were sometimes self-inflicted as well as sometimes undeserved.
I appreciated the emotional pain my ex-husband also went through even though he expressed his pain differently than I did. With love, I forgave my ex and myself for the parts we played in tearing the marriage apart.
Know this: All experiences have meaning and purpose. All moments of life are a presents wrapped up with beautiful bows. If you went through hell you might as well go back and get the gift in the lesson that can be learned. That lesson may very well be the one that transforms your life from freaked out to fabulous.
Most of all, appreciate yourself for all that you are, and for all you will become, as you flourish and bloom.
If you’re going through an emotional upheaval right now I invite you to put on your gardening gloves and start planting! Give your seedlings a lot energy and light. You’ll be feasting at the bounty table before you know it.
“Live, live, live! Life is a banquet and most poor sucker’s are starving to death!” – Auntie Mame (brilliantly played by Rosalind Russell in the movie, Auntie Mame)
About the Author:
Author, Speaker & Inner Wealth Expert, Valery personally consults with discerning individuals who require private individual attention. Learn how to transform inner emotional disconnection into a meaningful inner wealth of purpose, passion and sublime satisfaction that matches or exceeds an outer affluent lifestyle. Free eBook “Stop the Insanity and Be Happy” :
http://www.MoxieTherapy.com
