Who is This Large Hairy, Deep-Voiced Person in Your Life?
Do you want your man to be more like you? Do you get frustrated because he's not? It may seem as if he's doing it on purpose to make your life difficult. Yet in all likelihood, your man is not trying to drive you crazy. He's just being himself-and he is different from you. He craves your curiosity and wants to be understood. It's worth taking some time to get to know him. He'll act more lovingly when he feels heard, acknowledged, and accepted-and your relationship will improve by leaps and bounds.
1. He Knows how powerful you are.
Your man is well aware of the power you have in his life, even if you don't always realize it yourself. You affect him strongly, and he is responding to you all the time. Naturally, he wants something loving to respond to. Your man wants to be your hero. When you let him be your hero, he feels invincible. How often do you let him feel like a hero? When he can't please you, he is crushed. He will probably cover it up really well because he doesn't want you to know how vulnerable he is to you. When he's crushed over and over, he gives up. When you are aware of your power you can afford to be compassionate, and he will respond well to your open heart.
2. He knows he is vulnerable to you and he can't stand it.
Your man is very attached to you even if he covers it up well. Believe it! In fact, he may be more attached to you than you are to him-and this scares him. He's terrified that he can't make you happy and it makes him feel vulnerable. Being vulnerable is very humiliating for your man. Instead of rushing out to save you from enemies, he's trying really hard to please you and failing. What's a man to do? Act macho, of course. The more vulnerable he feels, he more macho he acts. When he says, "I don't care," "It doesn't bother me"…don't believe it. He does care, terribly. He just can't always afford to show it.
3. Showing vulnerability goes against what most men were brought up to believe about themselves. When they were little boys, men learned they should aspire to be superheroes. They were supposed to be unfailingly strong and in control, know the right thing to do and say, and never be emotionally affected by anyone-certainly not a woman. How can he admit to you that he feels inadequate when he can't even admit it to himself much of the time?
It is very likely that your man would like to open up to you more, and that the reason he doesn't is that it goes against his belief about how men are supposed to be. His role is to be the defender and provider. That leaves no room for emotional neediness. The times when your man acts like he doesn't care are probably the times he's feeling the most vulnerable, inadequate, and unheroic. Chances are, that's when he needs your support and love the most. Giving it to him then will encourage him to ask for it more in the future, rather than acting macho or shutting down. And when he's open to you, it will benefit your relationship.
4. He is more sensitive than you are.
You know how humiliated you feel when you get criticized, especially in public? Multiply that by a hundred and that's how humiliated your man feels. He may not allow you to see his sensitivity because it doesn't fit in with his belief that he needs to be strong and invulnerable. But he is acutely sensitive to your treatment of him. When you criticize him, it means he's failed to be your hero, and this damages his sense of his own manhood.
It's bad enough to put down your man in private, but criticize him in public and you can be sure you will experience the repercussions later. He may laugh along with you, but he will hold it against you for a long time. He may not tell you he's hurt, but he is-and you will pay.
5. When he says something twice, it's important.
Women have a capacity for dogged persistence when it comes to stating our needs and getting what we want. Chances are, you repeat your needs to him until he gets it. But men aren't necessarily like us when it comes to asking for what they want. If something is really important to your man, he will say it twice. Saying it more than once is big to him. He's made his point, and he expects you've heard him. Yet you may not realize how important it is because he doesn't dwell on it like you do. He may not say it again because it's humiliating for him to keep asking. When the subject comes up in six months, he might be upset. You'll say, "If it's that important, why didn't you tell me?" and he'll say, "I did tell you." Oops!
6. When upset, he acts strangely.
Don't expect your man to confess he's upset. If you ask him what's wrong, he'll probably say, "Nothing." It's not that he's trying to be obtuse. He may not even be aware of what he's doing. He wasn't trained to discuss his feelings the way you were, and he may not even be able to articulate them. Instead, he turns into a "bad boy." He will likely do one of four "bad boy" things:
- He will go away emotionally. He's still standing there, but he's gone.
- He will go away physically-for an hour, a day, or a week.
- He will start an argument later about something seemingly unrelated.
- He will break a promise.
It's up to you to get the signal, make the connection, and find your part. No, it's not fair that once again it's up to you. It's just the way it is. If you want to get to the bottom of his "bad boy" behavior, you'll have to be willing to understand it-because he may not. Getting upset back at him for his "bad boy" behavior will only make it worse. If you want him to be sweet to you again, understanding him is key.
7. He is coming from a different experience of life than you are.
He tends to be more in the moment than you are, and he doesn't dwell on things as much as you do. You think a lot more, analyze situations, and plan for the future. Expecting him to do this the way you do will likely lead to disappointment. You've probably noticed that your man has a much lower tolerance for all talking, analyzing, projecting into the future, and going back and forth between options than you, your sister, and your girlfriends do. He is just not built for long decision-making processes. He's much more suited to making quick decisions in the moment.
Here's what you can do to avoid getting into arguments when you want him to participate in a decision: Look at all the(options)yourself or with a friend. Pick out the two you like best. Then ask your man to look at them with you and help you make a decision. He will probably be happy to give you his input because he likes to feel his opinion is valued. And you'll be happy because whichever (option) he picks, you end up with one of your two favorites. He likes to be included. Voila! Everyone is satisfied.
8. When you have something important to say, keep it brief.
Since your man is accustomed to relatively brief, succinct communication, it baffles him when you take hours to get your point across. In fact, he probably stops listening after a while because it's overwhelming for him. You are probably all too familiar with that glazed look he gets when you're trying to talk about a serious subject for too long. It's to your benefit to keep important communication as straightforward as possible. He'll be relieved, and will be far more likely to hear you.
9. Your man forgets.
Your man doesn't forget things all the time, but he probably forgets quite a bit-especially the things you really wish he'd remember. In reality, he probably remembers more things than you realize. It's just that you tend to notice when he forgets, and you might not notice when he remembers. Because you're only noticing the times he doesn't remember, you might start to think maybe he's forgetting on purpose.
Men's brains still function differently than ours. If you've noticed, in most couples the woman is the keeper of the social calendar and the grocery list. That's not because men are trying to make our lives miserable by giving us all the scheduling decisions. It's because we are better at it. If you leave the grocery list or the social calendar up to him, it is more than likely you'll end up with no food in the fridge and no plans for Saturday night.
If you are always waiting for your man to forget and then pouncing on him when he does, it is unpleasant for both of you. When he does forget, you can remember to remind him next time. Your acceptance of his nature allows him the freedom to be himself, and when he is being accepted, he can open his heart to you instead of being on the defensive.
10. He has a different sense of time than you do.
There have probably been times when you and your man got into disagreements about timing. He said he'd call, or he'd do something by a certain time, and he didn't do it. It's infuriating, isn't it? It seems as if he's purposely trying to drive you crazy. The good news is, he's not.
"Tomorrow," "later," "this afternoon," and even "ten-thirty" may mean something different to your man than they do to you. When something happened three weeks ago, it might seem to him like it happened last week. Why? Because back in the caves, he didn't have to develop the complex sense of past and future that you did. Spontaneity was his ally, and it still is. To someone who lives in the moment as much as he does, time has a different meaning.
He doesn't have the same sense of urgency that you do. If you want something done soon, ask him ahead of time. Then praise him lavishly when he does it. This is a far more efficient method than nagging, which only gets him defensive. He doesn't mind being reminded as long as you're not criticizing while you're doing it.
11. He is simpler than you are.
You are more complicated than your man. Women have a lot of thoughts in a day. You might have noticed that you're more verbal than your man. What does it mean that you have so many more words cross your mind in a day? It does not mean you are superior to him, tempting as that belief might be. More is not necessarily better. How many thoughts do we have in a day that are really meaningful or insightful?
Your man doesn't require the same level of emotional upkeep that you do. He doesn't think about what you think about all day. It's relatively effortless for him to be in the moment and enjoy the simple things in life. He wants your pleasant company, and he wants to feel cared for. It's worth considering, isn't it? When he feels like a king, he'll want to spread his largesse around. And there you'll be!
12. You have things to learn from your man.
It's true! His simplicity is a gift you can benefit from. He's good at a lot of things that can make life lighter and more fun. When you're not using up your energy being annoyed with him for not being like you, it can be really stimulating to discover new ways of doing things. And he'll be flattered you want to do them with him.
13. He wants you to be happy.
To put it simply, your man wants you to feel good in his presence for two reasons:
- He knows his life is easier when you are happy.
- When you feel good in his presence, he feels like a hero.
Your happiness is a gift you can give him. All you have to do is allow yourself to be pleased, and your man is thrilled. Then he wants to do more to please you because he loves it when you're happy. Being "pleasable" is not necessarily an inherited skill. You might have to work at it a little. That means letting him do what he wants to do to make you happy, and accepting his efforts graciously. When you allow him to make you happy, he will do anything for you.
Excerpted from the book, How to Be Cherished: A Guide to Having the Love You Desire
By Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh
